Five - the number of Mother's Days that have happened since the hubby and I started trying to get pregnant. Five days of celebrating the title that I so desperately wish to claim for myself. Five times convincing myself that this is a good day, a wonderful celebration, and my day will come. I usually hesitate to write or post anything about our infertility journey, but sometimes I want to remind myself what I felt on days like today and also let other people know that they aren't alone in their feelings. Read on only if you're ok with a little sadness, hopefully a happy ending, but definitely real/raw feelings.
So what do I feel on days like today? Joy, struggle, hopelessness, hopefulness, gratitude, confusion, numbness, despair, rejoicing, resenting...the list goes on and on. The past 4 1/2 years struggling with infertility have been filled with some of the greatest and worst days of my life. Continuous ups and downs on the roller coaster of wanting something so much that I just can't make happen. I have chosen over and over again to just be happy; to just smile through it and be happy for the women who have been blessed with motherhood. A long time ago I made a pact with myself that I would never let myself be upset that there are people/women who can have children and that I'm not one of them (yet) because it is not their fault. It's not anyone's fault that I'm not at that point in my life and plenty of other women are. There is no reason to be upset that other women have children and I don't - I won't put someone in the position to be a "bad guy" just because they are a mom. The past four Mother's Days I have held my head up high as I walked into church and sat through meetings about the blessing of motherhood; sat and listened to children doting on their moms, husbands bragging about their wonderful wives raising their beautiful babies. Sure, I've shed my fair share of tears in those meetings, no one is perfect, but for the most part I have been pretty good at staying positive through our infertility journey. This year was a little different...
In the past few weeks we have had some of the most heart breaking news in our marriage. We got 2 official opinions from doctors that we probably won't be able to get pregnant without doing invitro - that the surgery we just spent $2,000 on didn't work out the way the doctors hoped it would, and that now, we need to make the choice between adoption (anywhere from $4,000-$10,000) and invitro (about $15,000) in order to become parents. I'm not one of those people who has counted all the dollars we've spent on fertility treatments already, because I'm sure it would kill me, but this is definitely making it hard to not think about. Long story short, all of this news has had terrible timing, and made this the hardest mother's day yet. Not to mention that being a firefighter's wife means sometimes spending holidays alone, and this one was no different, aka no husband around to hold me and comfort me through my tears. So what did I choose to do? For the first time in 5 Mother's Days I shut myself off from the holiday as much as possible...it didn't help that I'm also sick, but I skipped church (both my own and my mom's, which I'd previously committed to attend to celebrate the holiday with her), laid around, and tried not to think about it. I didn't want to ruin it for my awesome mom, so I still gave her a gift, participated in dinner and games, and tried not to mope too much, but I did avoid reading too many Facebook posts, dwelling on any thoughts of motherhood, and talking to friends too much, just to ensure I could keep my mind otherwise occupied. The result: 24 hours of pent up sadness letting loose at the end of my day resulting in a big sob fest - exactly what I was trying to avoid. It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of the thoughts and feelings I've been trying to suppress came out in one fail swoop. I've been avoiding even the thought of deciding what our next step is and mostly just praying that this wasn't really happening or that it would just go away. The distractions were gone and reality had finally set in...I momentarily broke my pact with myself and pleaded with God to know why I can't be a mom, why it seems like everyone else I know is a mom and I get to sit idly by and just watch them live the life I wish I had, why it's not my turn yet, and what I must be doing wrong that I don't deserve the honor of raising my own children. For the first time in 4 1/2 years I really resented this day...
Moral of the story?? I did mention a happy ending, didn't I? So here's what I learned today, and what I need to remember for future reference:
1. I'm not the kind of person who can keep her feelings inside. I don't do well with pretending to be something I'm not, even though "being myself" has burned me significantly in the past. I'm an open book and I do best that way - suppression is not my way of coping, and I have to let my feelings show.
2. Life has a funny way of seeming unfair, but in reality it is more fair than we all comprehend. No one person has a better life than anyone else, so it's not ok to resent them for the blessings in their life - I wouldn't want their burdens in return. At the same time, it's ok to be sad from time to time. If we didn't feel anything we wouldn't be human.
3. I am immensely blessed with the life that I have. I can't start a list, because I would die sitting here at my computer with the time it would take, but there are millions of things that I have to be grateful for and my infertility journey has always made me more aware of them.
4. I will be a mother one day. There is a time and a season for everything in life, and even though I wish, more than anything, that my time was now...or 4 years ago...it will come. I will have my own children to raise, whether I bear them or not, and I will love them more than a lot of mothers get the opportunity to love their babies. I will be grateful for the late night feedings, the sore body, the crying and screaming, the poopy diapers...all of it. I am learning patience now that is only contributing to my mom skills for later.
5. I truly am so grateful for all of the wonderful mothers in my life. I was blessed with the perfect mom, and am continually blessed to have great moms walk in and out of my life. They show me the kind of mom I want to be and encourage me to keep trying for my own babies. On the same note, I have been blessed with amazing friends who have let me be second moms or "aunts" to their sweet little ones and who have allowed me to experience bits and pieces of being a mom. To those of you who are on that list, I am forever grateful for you and for letting me in.
So, all in all, this may have started out like the worst Mother's Day on my books yet, but I choose to think of it as the Golden #5. I got the chance to hit rock bottom and really face my feelings today. I was forced to open my eyes to how I really feel and affirm that this is something I really want in my life. I relearned some very vital lessons from myself, and now the only way to go is up!
Happiness is truly a choice. We can let sorrow and grief drag us down, or we can choose to live each day grateful for the blessings given to us. I never want to let my infertility journey take me down paths that I don't choose. I won't let it rule my life - I am in control of my own destiny. So to all women, mothers or hopefuls, Happy Mother's Day. Choose this day, and every day, to be grateful for life. We only get one, let's make the best of it!
Lots of Loves,
Chels.
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