What I Learned From Infertility - Part One

Only a few of the many lessons I learned during our five year struggle to become parents:

Not all trails are created equally. We need the smaller trials to be the foundation for the bigger trials. They are the small stones that hold up the big slabs of struggle. Everyone needs a healthy balance of struggle to keep them humble and keep life worth living.

God has His own plan and He is not bound to tell me exactly what it is. There would be no room for faith, hope, and growth if I knew every step of the roadmap to my life.

I have had the unique experience that few people get to have in gaining such an individual and personal relationship with my Savior.

Marriage is the most important thing in my life. When I came to terms with the fact that it might just be me and my husband for the rest of our lives my life became a lot easier and my marriage became much fuller.

It's okay to be sad. Too often we try to hide our feelings and be tough and independent, but sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the most humbling and require the most gentleness.

No two people go through infertility the same. I have friends who talk about it, friends who don't, and friends who never will. There are negative people and positive people, but there is a common sense of loss and emptiness, I believe, that most people who struggle with infertility feel.

Infertility can literally make or break your marriage. The times that we turned to each other were the strongest moments in our marriage, and the times we turn away were definitely the scariest.

No one knows what to say when they find out you can't have your own children. People have good intentions, and some people have loud mouths. But mostly you just can't take what people say personally, or it can destroy you.

Things I want most out of life

Learn to lean on my Savior always.
Be a mom.
Be a good mom who raises self sufficient children.
" " confident and self loving children.
Raise children with strong testimonies who learn for themselves the truth about the Savior.
Be the kind of wife my husband is excited about coming home to every day.
Be healthy and fit - feel good physically.
To truly love and respect my body.
To learn to love me for who I am and not let others affect how I see me.
To only allow people who also love me for me to stay and to say see ya later to everyone else.
Be the kind of person that when I leave this life other people feel inspired to be better because they knew me.
Be the best me that I can be and stop trying to be someone/anyone else. 

Jealousy.

I have a bad habit of being jealous of things I can't control. I want to be closer to certain people/be considered a better friend with them than I usually think I am, I want to have a cuter house, I want to be more romantic in my marriage or want my husband to be that way, the list goes on and on.

Why can't we, as humans, just be happy with what we have and stop wanting for more? In times like these, I have to refer to one of my favorite quotes:
"Remember, the things you have now were once the things you wished you had."  There will always be someone closer to my close friends, a house that is more "Pinterest Perfect" than mine, women who are better dressed than me, and room for improvement in every facet of my life.  But for now, I'm happy with who I have become, where I am with my life, and where I'm going. That should be, no, is enough.

Love Those That Despise You.

(I need to give a shout out to not only my awesome and dedicated visiting teacher, but just all around great friend Lisa for always following promptings by the spirit and sharing spiritual insight with me that I need to hear. This post is inspired by her and pushed to publishing because of my scripture reading last night that backed her up.)

I struggle with disrespectful people; in any setting, really, but especially when you have an obligation to be around each other, i.e. work, projects, jury duty? You get the point. Lately I've been really hung up on a few people specifically, and for respect's sake I will try to remain as vague as possible. But basically I have let my feelings get the best of me and have let these people make me feel inadequate. Therefore, I have started to resent them and their lack of respect for me while trying to keep my decency and respect for them, the motivation to keep doing so dwindling by the day...I cringe just being around them, watching their eyes roll at everything I say, being afraid to say anything at all in fear of being humiliated, feeling like an outcast, trying not to become someone I'm not to fit in with these people I disagree with, is the picture being painted?  I only give back story so that I can make my point...I'm almost there, promise.

So today, my sweet friend Lisa came to visit and some of the things she said were like bricks hitting me in the face telling me to change my feelings about these people.  She mentioned that sometimes we let the things people say affect us in a way that they didn't mean it. We interpret what they say to fit our own agenda, or in this case, to prove that we must be right about how we feel. "Oh they definitely meant to offend me" or "did you hear that tone?" Or one of my favorites "they didn't say that exactly, but it was implied". How can we be sure? Now I still believe the eye rolls and the blatant ignoring of anything that I say is hard to justify me misunderstanding, but I may be overreacting slightly. It's like once you let something bug you then you start finding reasons for it to bug you more...tiny little insignificant reasons, that you never would have noticed otherwise. We must stop scratching this itch! Take things in stride!

After having this heart to heart with myself, I opened my scriptures to read before bed and was again, hit with more bricks. I was reading in the Book of Mormon when Christ is visiting the Americas after his death and resurrection. He is instructing people on how to treat each other and there is very little room for interpretation. He is straight forward and almost a little brash in his counsel. "Judge not that he be not judged". Stop judging! Don't do it. Not now, not ever. He goes on to say that no one is perfect and no one lives without imperfections so until you fix every single, little thing that is wrong with your own self there is absolutely no room for you to spend any time finding fault with others. None. He also mentions the timeless, golden rule to treat others the way you want to be treated. No exceptions. You don't like someone, they bother you, you don't get along? Is it ok to treat them with disrespect? Absolutely not!

So to bring this all full circle, here is what I want to reiterate: no one is perfect, not you, not me, not anyone; it is not ok to treat people with anything but decency, respect, and really love, even if all you get from them is the opposite; there is no time to waste judging other people, or comparing yourself to them (for good or for bad), everyone will get what's coming to them and it's not your job to try to figure out what that is.

Lastly, never be afraid to share happy thoughts with other people. Whether you are religious or not, if you feel strongly that you should share something with a friend or loved one, do it!!!  Where would I be today without my dear friend who always has the courage to share with people around her! Thank you to everyone who teaches me lessons in my life...good or bad. We learn from everyone we come in contact with. It is up to us what lesson we take from our encounters. Think about that the next time you want to say something negative about another.

Lots of loves,
Chels.

You Don't Have to Try.

I have always liked Colbie Caillat, but now I LOVE her.  This is exactly the point I've been trying to make to myself and all the beautiful girls that I know in the last few months.  Stop trying to be something you aren't; stop comparing yourself to others; let your hair down, take your makeup off, and love who you are because I love who you are, and you are good enough.

It's Been A While... That's When Life Happens.

Apparently I've only had time for one post this month. And let's change that to I've only made time for one post this month. Life has a funny way of going a lot quicker than I ever think it will.

I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, except maybe to mention that we've had an extremely rollercoaster-of-emotions type month. The beginning of this month started off with despair and grief so real and powerful that I wasn't sure we were going to get through it. But God is good and of course the end of the month is ending up with great hope and determination. Isn't that how it usually happens in life? We have to reach rock bottom before we can see any kind of light ahead. I am so grateful for the moments that I reach rock bottom, for the person that I realize that I can be in those moments. I am indescribably grateful for a husband who stands by me, not behind or in front of me, in those moments and always ensures me that they are just that, moments, and not permanent .

Sometimes, and let's be honest, most of the time we take for granted the biggest blessings in our lives. Any of you that really know me know that I definitely have a pessimistic side, to put it nicely. Why is it so easy to cling to negativity? On the same hand, I'm so grateful for the lessons I learn from myself because of that trial I have. I learn more and more as I get older to trust in the Lord, in my own strength, and I learn that it's okay to lean on other people. To those of you, and you know who you are, who have had heartfelt conversations with me ever in my life, but especially this last month, you mean the world to me. Relationships may be fleeting and ever-changing, but I truly believe God puts the people in our lives that we need to get through our present struggles.

One day you I will explain what is so cryptically hidden in this post, but mostly I just feel grateful and needed to remind myself that it's okay to be grateful. Until that day, stay tuned!

Reflecting: Keeping and Losing Friends

I've been reflecting this morning and just wanted to write a few things down. This is how I see myself or have seen myself, and people might disagree, but here's an insight into the mind of Chelsea.

In my life I've had great people come and go. I feel like more have gone than stayed, and I wish that I could change that. I wasn't really ever the kind of girl who had one best friend for a long time. I just had a lot of good friends.  I was invited to big events, but left out of a lot of other things, too, which I always tried not to let bother me, but I still seem to struggle with it - thank you social media for bringing out the green monster of jealousy in me! The older I get the more I realize that maybe I didn't make the friendships that I should have.

I like to think that I'm the kind of person who doesn't ever want people to be hurt by her - I am scared to death of hurting peoples' feelings. So much so that for a long time I was a big pushover. I let people treat me not as well as I should have, whether it be people I was friends with or boys I was dating. As long as they stayed in my life it didn't matter that I was unhappy. I have a very big personality, I'm definitely aware of that. But if people didn't like it or didn't appreciate it I always tried to change for them. Most of you know that I'm an open book. If you ask, or even if you don't, then I will tell you anything ;) Because I'm so willing to divulge information, I've been hurt a lot in my life. I trust really easily and get hurt just as quickly when someone breaks that trust. The older I get the more I like to think that people who truly love me should accept me for who I am, but maybe that's not true.

On more than one occasion I have lost friends because I was too much for them or too overwhelming. I have very few friends, close friends, from longer than 5 years ago. I never really worried about having good girl friends because I was better at getting along with guys. However, when you get married you can't just be close to males. I've been hurt more since being married, I feel like, than any other time. So much so, that I've almost become somewhat bitter and jaded..even guarded. I worry that something I say or do, little or big, will offend someone, that if I say the wrong thing that people will leave me (and Brad) because of it. I feel responsible for the friendships that Brad and I have gained and lost in our 5 years of marriage. I have started to really question who I am and love myself less. Isn't that kind of thing supposed to end in high school or as a teenager? Aren't we supposed to find our "true identities" by the time we are 26? I wish I could change the things that hurt the people that I love, but there's an internal battle between staying true to who I am and being the kind of person other people want to love - want to love on a permanent basis. I know there are people who love me and care about me, I just wish I knew how to keep them close for longer.

I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. I always encourage everyone to be themselves and be happy with you they are, because I love them just the way they are. I just want to be loved for the person that I am.

So I guess I will end with saying that I am so grateful for my husband and my family. They are the constants in my life and put up with all of my craziness, and still love me at the end of everyday. Especially my Bradley. My sweet, patience, loving, caring, enduring with me to the end eternal companion. I don't know where I would be without him. So that is the relationship I will focus on, he will always be there no matter who comes and goes.

And I guess growing up and moving on is part of life. So as much as I don't want to apologize for being who I am, because I'm trying to hang on to that one little ligament of self worth that I have, I am truly sorry to anyone I have ever hurt along my journey through life. It was never intentional and I wish I could take it back, but I can only move forward from here and intend to do so.