It's Been A While... That's When Life Happens.

Apparently I've only had time for one post this month. And let's change that to I've only made time for one post this month. Life has a funny way of going a lot quicker than I ever think it will.

I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, except maybe to mention that we've had an extremely rollercoaster-of-emotions type month. The beginning of this month started off with despair and grief so real and powerful that I wasn't sure we were going to get through it. But God is good and of course the end of the month is ending up with great hope and determination. Isn't that how it usually happens in life? We have to reach rock bottom before we can see any kind of light ahead. I am so grateful for the moments that I reach rock bottom, for the person that I realize that I can be in those moments. I am indescribably grateful for a husband who stands by me, not behind or in front of me, in those moments and always ensures me that they are just that, moments, and not permanent .

Sometimes, and let's be honest, most of the time we take for granted the biggest blessings in our lives. Any of you that really know me know that I definitely have a pessimistic side, to put it nicely. Why is it so easy to cling to negativity? On the same hand, I'm so grateful for the lessons I learn from myself because of that trial I have. I learn more and more as I get older to trust in the Lord, in my own strength, and I learn that it's okay to lean on other people. To those of you, and you know who you are, who have had heartfelt conversations with me ever in my life, but especially this last month, you mean the world to me. Relationships may be fleeting and ever-changing, but I truly believe God puts the people in our lives that we need to get through our present struggles.

One day you I will explain what is so cryptically hidden in this post, but mostly I just feel grateful and needed to remind myself that it's okay to be grateful. Until that day, stay tuned!

Reflecting: Keeping and Losing Friends

I've been reflecting this morning and just wanted to write a few things down. This is how I see myself or have seen myself, and people might disagree, but here's an insight into the mind of Chelsea.

In my life I've had great people come and go. I feel like more have gone than stayed, and I wish that I could change that. I wasn't really ever the kind of girl who had one best friend for a long time. I just had a lot of good friends.  I was invited to big events, but left out of a lot of other things, too, which I always tried not to let bother me, but I still seem to struggle with it - thank you social media for bringing out the green monster of jealousy in me! The older I get the more I realize that maybe I didn't make the friendships that I should have.

I like to think that I'm the kind of person who doesn't ever want people to be hurt by her - I am scared to death of hurting peoples' feelings. So much so that for a long time I was a big pushover. I let people treat me not as well as I should have, whether it be people I was friends with or boys I was dating. As long as they stayed in my life it didn't matter that I was unhappy. I have a very big personality, I'm definitely aware of that. But if people didn't like it or didn't appreciate it I always tried to change for them. Most of you know that I'm an open book. If you ask, or even if you don't, then I will tell you anything ;) Because I'm so willing to divulge information, I've been hurt a lot in my life. I trust really easily and get hurt just as quickly when someone breaks that trust. The older I get the more I like to think that people who truly love me should accept me for who I am, but maybe that's not true.

On more than one occasion I have lost friends because I was too much for them or too overwhelming. I have very few friends, close friends, from longer than 5 years ago. I never really worried about having good girl friends because I was better at getting along with guys. However, when you get married you can't just be close to males. I've been hurt more since being married, I feel like, than any other time. So much so, that I've almost become somewhat bitter and jaded..even guarded. I worry that something I say or do, little or big, will offend someone, that if I say the wrong thing that people will leave me (and Brad) because of it. I feel responsible for the friendships that Brad and I have gained and lost in our 5 years of marriage. I have started to really question who I am and love myself less. Isn't that kind of thing supposed to end in high school or as a teenager? Aren't we supposed to find our "true identities" by the time we are 26? I wish I could change the things that hurt the people that I love, but there's an internal battle between staying true to who I am and being the kind of person other people want to love - want to love on a permanent basis. I know there are people who love me and care about me, I just wish I knew how to keep them close for longer.

I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. I always encourage everyone to be themselves and be happy with you they are, because I love them just the way they are. I just want to be loved for the person that I am.

So I guess I will end with saying that I am so grateful for my husband and my family. They are the constants in my life and put up with all of my craziness, and still love me at the end of everyday. Especially my Bradley. My sweet, patience, loving, caring, enduring with me to the end eternal companion. I don't know where I would be without him. So that is the relationship I will focus on, he will always be there no matter who comes and goes.

And I guess growing up and moving on is part of life. So as much as I don't want to apologize for being who I am, because I'm trying to hang on to that one little ligament of self worth that I have, I am truly sorry to anyone I have ever hurt along my journey through life. It was never intentional and I wish I could take it back, but I can only move forward from here and intend to do so.